Living Aftermath of someone is not Beautiful

I have never loved anybody as much as I loved her.

I thought I had experienced the depths of love and heartache. But with her, it was different. It was frustrating, complicated, exhilarating, and beautiful.
I was the truest version of myself with her, raw and unfiltered. She saw every part of me, even the ones I was ashamed of. I never thought I’d see myself being
with someone forever until her.

However, sometimes, the idea of forever is much shorter than we think.

I’ll never understand how somebody could hurt somebody that loves them. The relationship took more from me than it gave to me. I mistook the drama for passion.
The highs of our relationship felt so great because the lows were horrific. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, yet I stayed, hoping that one day my person
would prove everyone wrong. I isolated myself from my friends and family. I didn’t want them to know that they were right about everything they said she was.
I was ashamed of the person I was becoming in this relationship.

When she left, it destroyed me. It was an immense feeling of sadness. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish anybody. It rips apart your insides and it becomes impossible
to not drown in the sadness and confusion of it all. I spent nights crying to God, begging him to help me unlove her.

Realizing she wasn’t who I thought she was felt like losing her all over again. It took a lot of work and honesty on my part to even begin to accept what happened.
I realized I had seen her as the person I wanted her to be, not the person she really was.

A wise friend once wrote, “Sorry doesn’t excuse the betrayal, it only softens the blow.” This resonated with me mainly because it was a turning point for my healing.
I realized an apology from her wasn’t going to change anything she did. It wasn’t going to magically heal my wounds and make me whole again. Part of healing was
acceptance.

Part of healing meant accepting that this person was important to me. It meant accepting that she impacted my life in ways I never thought possible. It was important
for me to acknowledge the good times and understand that it was okay to miss them too. She was my person, and for a while I thought I was her too. Once I accepted
that what happened between us mattered, it became easier to make peace with it all.

You cannot teach someone to empathize with you. After hours of empty conversation, it started dawning on me that this person simply didn’t care about how she hurt me
and was never going to feel sorry for the way she treated me. It was time to empathize with myself and take the necessary steps to pick up my broken pieces. After
taking care of her for so long, it was time to tend to my own needs. That meant taking that trip, reaching out to that now distant friend, and pursuing every dream
that I felt I couldn’t when I was with her.

For so long, I felt powerless. I couldn’t come to terms with what she did, mainly because I didn’t want to believe that the person I loved would hurt me like this.
I realized power is in forgiveness. It is in accepting what happened and realizing that there’s nothing either of us could do to change it. I forgave myself for
allowing myself to be treated so poorly. I forgave myself for neglecting my own needs and prioritizing his. Most importantly, I quietly forgave her for the way she
chose to handle things between us.

I had to learn to give myself closure. That meant letting go of the hope that one day she would realize she was in the wrong and beg for my forgiveness. It meant
accepting that I loved someone and they hurt me. It meant seeing things for what they really were and not what I wanted them to be.

I began investing time in the people who truly mattered, the people who truly wanted me to heal and move on. It was these people who reminded me that healing is not
linear. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Some days, I felt on top of the world. I blasted all my favourite Boys anthems with my best friend and felt so over
her. But there were days in which all I wanted to do was lay in bed and listen to all the songs that reminded me of her.

I realized I didn’t have to be bitter about what happened. The way she treated me says more about her that it ever will about me. One thing my parents always told me
was to be kind, even in the face of darkness. No matter how dark and scary things got between us or how horribly she handled my heart, it was important for me to
stay kind and graceful. It’s easier said than done, believe me. But I was not going to let her selfish actions turn my soft heart into a hard and cold one. It is a
process, but eventually, you get there. You realize there’s no point in rehashing the past and in wallowing in self-pity over things you can’t change anymore. There
were no cryptic posts I posted with the hopes she would see. There was no more empty conversation with her in hopes that I would understand the reasons for why she left.
I simply kept my distance from her and began the healing process.

Looking back, I spent a lot of time trying to prove to her that I was worthy of her love and convincing her that if she only opened up, we would make it. I learned
that it is not the end of the world if they don’t want you. Your world ends when you neglect you. I had to grow to understand that just because I wanted her didn’t
mean she deserved me. You cannot love someone into loving you. While I was trying to heal her, I should’ve been trying to heal myself. I tried to fill his void but
didn’t realize that in the process, I was making myself smaller and smaller. I knew she was broken but failed to realize that wanting to be with someone who
mistreated me as much as she did meant I had issues of my own as well.

For anyone going through any type of heartbreak, understand that eventually, it does get better. Time really does heal all wounds. I wish I could write out an
outline of steps to take to mend your broken heart, but the truth is, there is no right way. Everyone’s journey is unique. You will grieve the loss of this person
on your terms and on your own time. Expect the occasional slip up, the occasional sad day, but also expect the day in which you will feel resilient and the day in
which you will love again. Learn to hold on when the wave of sadness tries to flood you. Forgive yourself for loving the wrong person but never for loving with all
of your heart. To love someone takes bravery, courage and compassion. It is not a weakness to open up to someone and allow them to get to know your heart. You did
right even if they didn’t do right with you.

Living in the aftermath of another person is not beautiful. I suppose I’ll never truly know the reasons for her actions, but I don’t feel like I need to anymore.
I am slowly picking up the pieces and making my way out of the darkness. I’ll never be the same person I was before her, but I don’t want to be anymore. This
experience forced me to grow, and ultimately, I am better because of it. I no longer place my self-worth into the hands of another person, and I find comfort in
the fact that I can love as deeply as I did. Slowly but surely, the light will prevail. Life will be beautiful again, just in different ways

Leaving is not that Easy, But you are forced to!

Six weeks. In Six weeks, I’m moving to not only a new organization but a new city. Still not sure which city is going to be my next stop Pune or Chennai. I would love if it's Pune as it's a place I’ve wanted to be in from couple of years. Pune has always had appeal to me from due to the presence of several tourist/visiting places nearby to roam. It was the place I had thought of exploring and now here it is, Hopefully, I am going to live there for at least the next two years.

But what about the place I’m leaving behind? The place I’ve called second home on and off for the last 4 years that’s filled with more people I care about than any other place. The place I learned how to be an adult. The place I met my first love and felt my first heartbreak. The place that made me realize that my person came in the form of an extremely caring and loving best friend.

The place I’m leaving behind will always be near and dear to me, even though at times we’ve had a love hate relationship. There comes a point that either our job or our location or sometimes people around, are no longer letting us grow. 

Sometimes we need to leave things behind in order to get to the place we’re going. So I’m going. I’m going but I am scared. The fear of the unknown will always be something that holds many people back. The fear of diving head first into something that we have no idea if we’re going to surface or drown. I’ve floundered many times in my life but this time I know that something great is waiting for me on the other side of the world. I’m just not 100 percent sure what it is yet.

You have to take a giant leap of faith and know that everything is going to work out the way it’s supposed too.

I’ve left this place couple of times before but mostly when everything was falling apart. Right now for me I can say that things are good. This time I’m not leaving to escape something, I’m leaving to find something more for me.

I don’t really think it’s the leaving the place that gets me. It’s leaving the people. It’s leaving a friend who pings me then and then some funny lines just to check on me because she knows I’m stressed out. It’s leaving my person who listens to me and motivates me when I really need someone to do that. It’s the roommates who not only support me vocationally but also personally. It’s like leaving everything altogether all of a sudden.

It’s something that you can’t replicate.

They’re always going to be there if and when I need them. They’re also the people encouraging me to go. To see what’s out there. To grow and find out where my place is in this world.

Moving is scary. Quitting your reliable desk job for your dream job is scary. Falling in love is scary. Planning a sister’s marriage is really scary. But it’s the scariest things that give us the biggest reward. When you realize how much you could have missed out on if you had decided to play it safe instead of going for something, you probably would always choose to jump.

So I’m scared. I’m so damn scared but I’m going for it. There’s something big waiting for me. Just like if you take that risk you’ve been putting off, I promise if you just go for it, it’s leading you somewhere amazing. All you have to do is take the first step. 

Engineering lyf..!! Still Exploring..

This blog is my very first writeup ,  I thought of writing on engineering lyf. If you are an engineering student you may relate it and if not,  I hope you enjoy reading it.

So i finally came to an engineering college, a partial dream come true after 2 years of slogging- H C Verma, M Karim, R C Mukherjee, K C Sinha, RD Sharma etc...( really I didn't liked these was forced to..) What had brought me here, were the high salaries students these days were getting, after getting into IIT’s ,but somehow, I ended up in Annamalai University, Tamilnadu almost 2500 Kms from my native. Low semester fees was the bigger factor, than a urge to become an engineer or i must say  the dream of living a high standard life was the only driving force :P 

What i immediately noticed after coming to college was that students(5000+ intake was there) were here from different parts of the country Bihar , Jharkhand, Assam, WB  and South Indian States. Unlike my seniors having a strength of 300-400 students we had an Army of Students(5000+). I got admission in Electronics & Instrumentation branch. But, As I was least interested in Mechanical/ Electrical stuff I got my Branch changed in 2nd year to Computer Science Engineering. What we had learnt in higher secondary level was basically done to secure good marks .We hardly knew our attitude would remain with us throughout. Engineering really means playing with or dismantling different types of things around for the ease of humans, but very few among hundreds had that knack. But whatever happened we have ended up in an engineering college for “four” unforgettable years of our life .

Students are now getting computers and laptops , Everyone is having internet connection in their room to stay updated not about the latest technologies but to watch movies and do chit chat on Orkut and facebook with friends Before we knew our exams were knocking the door, we always had this urge to laugh at people who used to study regularly and call them book worms as we studied only at the last night :P Sometimes just before the exam we realized we were wrong, and the most important thing  is that this realization remained only till the exam time :P. Thus most of the students who were ex-toppers were seen slogging before exam and praying just to clear exams.

We enjoy all other time in our college except the weeks in which exams are held and we seriously do. Staying away from guardians does provide a lot of freedom.  Hanging out with friends in the campus, sleeping in class, giving proxies, mass bunks, taking computer games seriously. Infact, very seriously , watching movies through out the day , waking up at noon, Life here is completely different. Here, we need to take bath at least 2 times a day to feel we are alive due to the hot and humid (chip chip garmi) here in chidambaram. And the best part is students who have led a disciplined life throughout  now begin feeling ashamed. I don’t know what we are doing now is right or not but we are loving it.

I would like to end it by making every engineering students remember something…..

till class 10 : ” study till boards after that you can do whatever you want.”

class11-12: “its only 2 years more after that it like picnic in the college, believe me its true!!! Dancing and dping silly stuffs as in movies :P 

After entering into an engineering college and getting average C. G.P.A. : “you were not like this, what happened to you,  study hard to get placements if you want to live a happy life”

After almost 2 years , i am still not able to reply  to questions which  ask me what engineering is all about, or what have i learnt till now,Good or Bad i don’t know but we are enjoying each and every moment here , and i suppose that is the most important thing, future will ultimately take its own course of action…!!!