I have never loved anybody as much as I loved her.
I thought I had experienced the depths of love and heartache. But with her, it was different. It was frustrating, complicated, exhilarating, and beautiful.
I was the truest version of myself with her, raw and unfiltered. She saw every part of me, even the ones I was ashamed of. I never thought I’d see myself being
with someone forever until her.
However, sometimes, the idea of forever is much shorter than we think.
I’ll never understand how somebody could hurt somebody that loves them. The relationship took more from me than it gave to me. I mistook the drama for passion.
The highs of our relationship felt so great because the lows were horrific. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, yet I stayed, hoping that one day my person
would prove everyone wrong. I isolated myself from my friends and family. I didn’t want them to know that they were right about everything they said she was.
I was ashamed of the person I was becoming in this relationship.
When she left, it destroyed me. It was an immense feeling of sadness. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish anybody. It rips apart your insides and it becomes impossible
to not drown in the sadness and confusion of it all. I spent nights crying to God, begging him to help me unlove her.
Realizing she wasn’t who I thought she was felt like losing her all over again. It took a lot of work and honesty on my part to even begin to accept what happened.
I realized I had seen her as the person I wanted her to be, not the person she really was.
A wise friend once wrote, “Sorry doesn’t excuse the betrayal, it only softens the blow.” This resonated with me mainly because it was a turning point for my healing.
I realized an apology from her wasn’t going to change anything she did. It wasn’t going to magically heal my wounds and make me whole again. Part of healing was
acceptance.
Part of healing meant accepting that this person was important to me. It meant accepting that she impacted my life in ways I never thought possible. It was important
for me to acknowledge the good times and understand that it was okay to miss them too. She was my person, and for a while I thought I was her too. Once I accepted
that what happened between us mattered, it became easier to make peace with it all.
You cannot teach someone to empathize with you. After hours of empty conversation, it started dawning on me that this person simply didn’t care about how she hurt me
and was never going to feel sorry for the way she treated me. It was time to empathize with myself and take the necessary steps to pick up my broken pieces. After
taking care of her for so long, it was time to tend to my own needs. That meant taking that trip, reaching out to that now distant friend, and pursuing every dream
that I felt I couldn’t when I was with her.
For so long, I felt powerless. I couldn’t come to terms with what she did, mainly because I didn’t want to believe that the person I loved would hurt me like this.
I realized power is in forgiveness. It is in accepting what happened and realizing that there’s nothing either of us could do to change it. I forgave myself for
allowing myself to be treated so poorly. I forgave myself for neglecting my own needs and prioritizing his. Most importantly, I quietly forgave her for the way she
chose to handle things between us.
I had to learn to give myself closure. That meant letting go of the hope that one day she would realize she was in the wrong and beg for my forgiveness. It meant
accepting that I loved someone and they hurt me. It meant seeing things for what they really were and not what I wanted them to be.
I began investing time in the people who truly mattered, the people who truly wanted me to heal and move on. It was these people who reminded me that healing is not
linear. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Some days, I felt on top of the world. I blasted all my favourite Boys anthems with my best friend and felt so over
her. But there were days in which all I wanted to do was lay in bed and listen to all the songs that reminded me of her.
I realized I didn’t have to be bitter about what happened. The way she treated me says more about her that it ever will about me. One thing my parents always told me
was to be kind, even in the face of darkness. No matter how dark and scary things got between us or how horribly she handled my heart, it was important for me to
stay kind and graceful. It’s easier said than done, believe me. But I was not going to let her selfish actions turn my soft heart into a hard and cold one. It is a
process, but eventually, you get there. You realize there’s no point in rehashing the past and in wallowing in self-pity over things you can’t change anymore. There
were no cryptic posts I posted with the hopes she would see. There was no more empty conversation with her in hopes that I would understand the reasons for why she left.
I simply kept my distance from her and began the healing process.
Looking back, I spent a lot of time trying to prove to her that I was worthy of her love and convincing her that if she only opened up, we would make it. I learned
that it is not the end of the world if they don’t want you. Your world ends when you neglect you. I had to grow to understand that just because I wanted her didn’t
mean she deserved me. You cannot love someone into loving you. While I was trying to heal her, I should’ve been trying to heal myself. I tried to fill his void but
didn’t realize that in the process, I was making myself smaller and smaller. I knew she was broken but failed to realize that wanting to be with someone who
mistreated me as much as she did meant I had issues of my own as well.
For anyone going through any type of heartbreak, understand that eventually, it does get better. Time really does heal all wounds. I wish I could write out an
outline of steps to take to mend your broken heart, but the truth is, there is no right way. Everyone’s journey is unique. You will grieve the loss of this person
on your terms and on your own time. Expect the occasional slip up, the occasional sad day, but also expect the day in which you will feel resilient and the day in
which you will love again. Learn to hold on when the wave of sadness tries to flood you. Forgive yourself for loving the wrong person but never for loving with all
of your heart. To love someone takes bravery, courage and compassion. It is not a weakness to open up to someone and allow them to get to know your heart. You did
right even if they didn’t do right with you.
Living in the aftermath of another person is not beautiful. I suppose I’ll never truly know the reasons for her actions, but I don’t feel like I need to anymore.
I am slowly picking up the pieces and making my way out of the darkness. I’ll never be the same person I was before her, but I don’t want to be anymore. This
experience forced me to grow, and ultimately, I am better because of it. I no longer place my self-worth into the hands of another person, and I find comfort in
the fact that I can love as deeply as I did. Slowly but surely, the light will prevail. Life will be beautiful again, just in different ways
I thought I had experienced the depths of love and heartache. But with her, it was different. It was frustrating, complicated, exhilarating, and beautiful.
I was the truest version of myself with her, raw and unfiltered. She saw every part of me, even the ones I was ashamed of. I never thought I’d see myself being
with someone forever until her.
However, sometimes, the idea of forever is much shorter than we think.
I’ll never understand how somebody could hurt somebody that loves them. The relationship took more from me than it gave to me. I mistook the drama for passion.
The highs of our relationship felt so great because the lows were horrific. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, yet I stayed, hoping that one day my person
would prove everyone wrong. I isolated myself from my friends and family. I didn’t want them to know that they were right about everything they said she was.
I was ashamed of the person I was becoming in this relationship.
When she left, it destroyed me. It was an immense feeling of sadness. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish anybody. It rips apart your insides and it becomes impossible
to not drown in the sadness and confusion of it all. I spent nights crying to God, begging him to help me unlove her.
Realizing she wasn’t who I thought she was felt like losing her all over again. It took a lot of work and honesty on my part to even begin to accept what happened.
I realized I had seen her as the person I wanted her to be, not the person she really was.
A wise friend once wrote, “Sorry doesn’t excuse the betrayal, it only softens the blow.” This resonated with me mainly because it was a turning point for my healing.
I realized an apology from her wasn’t going to change anything she did. It wasn’t going to magically heal my wounds and make me whole again. Part of healing was
acceptance.
Part of healing meant accepting that this person was important to me. It meant accepting that she impacted my life in ways I never thought possible. It was important
for me to acknowledge the good times and understand that it was okay to miss them too. She was my person, and for a while I thought I was her too. Once I accepted
that what happened between us mattered, it became easier to make peace with it all.
You cannot teach someone to empathize with you. After hours of empty conversation, it started dawning on me that this person simply didn’t care about how she hurt me
and was never going to feel sorry for the way she treated me. It was time to empathize with myself and take the necessary steps to pick up my broken pieces. After
taking care of her for so long, it was time to tend to my own needs. That meant taking that trip, reaching out to that now distant friend, and pursuing every dream
that I felt I couldn’t when I was with her.
For so long, I felt powerless. I couldn’t come to terms with what she did, mainly because I didn’t want to believe that the person I loved would hurt me like this.
I realized power is in forgiveness. It is in accepting what happened and realizing that there’s nothing either of us could do to change it. I forgave myself for
allowing myself to be treated so poorly. I forgave myself for neglecting my own needs and prioritizing his. Most importantly, I quietly forgave her for the way she
chose to handle things between us.
I had to learn to give myself closure. That meant letting go of the hope that one day she would realize she was in the wrong and beg for my forgiveness. It meant
accepting that I loved someone and they hurt me. It meant seeing things for what they really were and not what I wanted them to be.
I began investing time in the people who truly mattered, the people who truly wanted me to heal and move on. It was these people who reminded me that healing is not
linear. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Some days, I felt on top of the world. I blasted all my favourite Boys anthems with my best friend and felt so over
her. But there were days in which all I wanted to do was lay in bed and listen to all the songs that reminded me of her.
I realized I didn’t have to be bitter about what happened. The way she treated me says more about her that it ever will about me. One thing my parents always told me
was to be kind, even in the face of darkness. No matter how dark and scary things got between us or how horribly she handled my heart, it was important for me to
stay kind and graceful. It’s easier said than done, believe me. But I was not going to let her selfish actions turn my soft heart into a hard and cold one. It is a
process, but eventually, you get there. You realize there’s no point in rehashing the past and in wallowing in self-pity over things you can’t change anymore. There
were no cryptic posts I posted with the hopes she would see. There was no more empty conversation with her in hopes that I would understand the reasons for why she left.
I simply kept my distance from her and began the healing process.
Looking back, I spent a lot of time trying to prove to her that I was worthy of her love and convincing her that if she only opened up, we would make it. I learned
that it is not the end of the world if they don’t want you. Your world ends when you neglect you. I had to grow to understand that just because I wanted her didn’t
mean she deserved me. You cannot love someone into loving you. While I was trying to heal her, I should’ve been trying to heal myself. I tried to fill his void but
didn’t realize that in the process, I was making myself smaller and smaller. I knew she was broken but failed to realize that wanting to be with someone who
mistreated me as much as she did meant I had issues of my own as well.
For anyone going through any type of heartbreak, understand that eventually, it does get better. Time really does heal all wounds. I wish I could write out an
outline of steps to take to mend your broken heart, but the truth is, there is no right way. Everyone’s journey is unique. You will grieve the loss of this person
on your terms and on your own time. Expect the occasional slip up, the occasional sad day, but also expect the day in which you will feel resilient and the day in
which you will love again. Learn to hold on when the wave of sadness tries to flood you. Forgive yourself for loving the wrong person but never for loving with all
of your heart. To love someone takes bravery, courage and compassion. It is not a weakness to open up to someone and allow them to get to know your heart. You did
right even if they didn’t do right with you.
Living in the aftermath of another person is not beautiful. I suppose I’ll never truly know the reasons for her actions, but I don’t feel like I need to anymore.
I am slowly picking up the pieces and making my way out of the darkness. I’ll never be the same person I was before her, but I don’t want to be anymore. This
experience forced me to grow, and ultimately, I am better because of it. I no longer place my self-worth into the hands of another person, and I find comfort in
the fact that I can love as deeply as I did. Slowly but surely, the light will prevail. Life will be beautiful again, just in different ways
Fabulous Write-up
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